In Pursuit of Romance

TIMES

By Aryn Baker / Riyadh Thursday, July 21, 2011



It's 10 minutes to midnight on a Thursday in Riyadh, the start of the Saudi weekend, and even though it's the middle of finals, Tahlia Street swarms with kids in Porsches and Ferraris looking for a good time. Throbbing bass beats back the syncopated rhythm of bleating car horns. The aim is not so much to get through the traffic as to draw attention to the young men in the driver's seats. They lounge in their leather thrones, AC on high and a forearm draped nonchalantly over a rolled-down window, luxury watch on display. Both peacocks and hunters, they have relaxed postures that belie eyes on alert for signs of prey in the passing cars: a foreign driver alone up front, and in the backseat, partially obscured by tinted windows rolled up tight, a woman's vague form.



I survey the scene from the backseat of my friend's SUV, confident in the relative anonymity of her darkened windows. The urgent honking of a nearby car breaks my reverie. A gleaming white Chrysler pulls up alongside. Inside, a young man, the starched and folded peaks of his red-and-white-checked headscarf pulled low in the Stetson-like style popular with hipsters, is waving for my attention. He swerves erratically as he attempts to steer with his knees, giving me a double thumbs-up and a broad grin. Then he raises a laminated placard stenciled with a phone number. After a few seconds, enough time for me to jot down the digits, he shouts across the lane, "Khalas? You got it?" As if to seal the deal, he licks his lips lasciviously, kisses his index finger with an exaggerated pout and blows it like Marilyn Monroe in my direction, then roars off. Welcome to the pickup, Saudi-style. (See TIME's Lightbox with pictures of love and dating among Saudi Arabian youth.)



Salman must have been disappointed to get a phone call from an American journalist. When we meet at a popular café a few days later, he confesses that he received at least 10 calls that night and wasn't entirely sure which car had been mine. Ever the player, he tries to convince me that he "numbered" me, in local parlance, because I was "so beautiful." When I point out that a grandmother could have been behind that tinted window, he shrugs. "How else can I meet girls?"



Over virgin mojitos, Salman describes to me a dating scene like no other. There are no movie theaters in Saudi Arabia, and no bars. Weddings are segregated, as are schools. In Saudi Arabia, where culture and religion conspire to prevent all unregulated contact between men and women, young singles resort to extreme methods in pursuit of romance.



In Riyadh, says Salman, numbering can be competitive. Preening males sometimes rent fancy cars in hopes of increasing their chances. "Girls don't give a damn if the boy is good-looking or nice," he complains. "They only care if he is rich." In the five years Salman has been numbering, he has managed to go on several dates and even had a girlfriend for a short while. But at 24, he's looking for something more serious. "Definitely romance," he says. "If I can find a nice, respectable girl this way, I wouldn't mind getting married."



Worlds Apart



"(I can't get no) satisfaction" was certainly not on the sound track to the Arab revolts. But it might very well have been their subtext, according to the well-known Middle East scholar Bernard Lewis, who argued in an interview with the Jerusalem Post that the uprisings were fueled in part by sexual frustration. "In the Muslim world, casual sex, Western-style, doesn't exist," Lewis said. "If a young man wants sex, there are only two possibilities — marriage and the brothel. You have these vast numbers of young men growing up without the money either for the brothel or the bride-price, with raging sexual desire. On the one hand, it can lead to the suicide bomber. On the other hand, sheer frustration."



The theory has drawn virulent rebuttals from some and slow nods of acceptance from others. Some, like Egyptian sexologist Heba Qotb, say the idea that men can't afford to get married is nonsense. Just look at the rate of early marriage in lower-class communities compared with that of the rich. "Late marriages," Qotb says, "are by choice." But Mahmood Takey, a 19-year-old Egyptian university student, says that without a job, he would hardly be considered a good catch. "A guy might have to wait until he is 30 before he gets a job, so of course he is frustrated. We were protesting because of corruption, injustice and unemployment, but absolutely sexual frustration was a part of it." Some men, he says, go to prostitutes, but not if they are religious.



Of course, a 19-year-old might be more concerned about sex than, say, marriage. (Ibn Battuta was obsessed with both: he possessed a strong libido and married numerous times during his travels.) But the reality for many in the Middle East is that marriage isn't just about religiously sanctioned sex. It's about finding a place in society. Prostitutes and Internet porn help assuage some frustrations, even as they introduce guilt and shame, says Qotb, but they can't provide intimacy and social maturity. While most marriages are still arranged, single Saudis are increasingly captivated by Hollywood-style romances beamed in via satellite and the Internet .



As they attempt to navigate between tradition and modern love, they stumble over the obstacles of Saudi culture, resulting in a unique form of dating that is both an earnest search for connection and fraught with danger. Segregation of the sexes has its origins in both Islam and the early traditions of the peninsula's Bedouin tribes, in which hiding women from the public eye was considered a point of honor — and, in an era predating genetic testing, a way of ensuring that offspring were legitimate. This Bedouin culture has spread across the peninsula, though it is weaker in the Red Sea city of Jidda, where over centuries, pilgrims on their way to nearby Mecca have left a more liberal and cosmopolitan imprint. Men and women had always prayed together in Mecca, but conservative clerics argue that stringent laws originally concerning the Prophet Muhammad's wives should apply to all women.



Others justify the ban on mixing by pointing to social problems elsewhere. "These rules help society avoid the mess you see in the West: illegitimate children, single mothers, abortions and children in orphanages," says Sheik Abdallah al-Oweardi, a self-described moderate religious scholar, citing a recent statistic that 40% of all pregnancies in the U.S. are out of wedlock. The laws against mixing mean that single men and women rarely have an opportunity to meet. Most workplaces are segregated as well, except in medicine, where separation could affect the quality of care. That's one of the reasons, say several young female medical students out celebrating the end of finals, that they chose the profession. "Just like in America, the best place to meet someone is at work," one told me. "And for us, that means the hospital." She asked me not to use her name, mortified that she might be perceived as loose for admitting she was interested in meeting men. (Dating in Saudi Arabia is such a sensitive topic that most people I met spoke on the condition that I use their first name only or no name at all.)



Girls Just Want to Have Fun



Saudi girls go out on the prowl just like boys, ducking even stricter rules. And when they do, they have to make sure they dress the part. Women in Saudi Arabia are required to wear a headscarf and an abaya, a loose, full-length gown. In Riyadh, black predominates. But what looks like a uniform from a distance can be at close range a daring code of communication — a flash of color on the sleeves, enough Swarovski crystals to complete a chandelier. "Of course boys pay attention to our abayas," says Maha, 22. Hers features artfully slashed sleeves that reveal a white satin lining. It's a Friday evening at the mall, and she is fully made up, complete with false eyelashes. "All the girls want to look good. We do our makeup and hair before coming out," she says. And it works. She met her boyfriend at the mall when he walked up to her and offered his number. He didn't have a good line, but he was handsome, she says. Still, the international rules of flirting applied: "I called after a week, so he wouldn't think I was easy."



For two months, their "dates" were limited to two-hour-long phone calls nearly every night. Now she sometimes goes to his house for dinner, chaperoned by his mother or older sister. Occasionally, they hold hands or sneak a chaste kiss if no one is looking. But it never goes further than that. She French-kissed a boy once, she admits, but would never do so with her current boyfriend. "That wouldn't be proper," she says. "He is the man I want to marry."



Once a couple gets past the numbering stage and the phone calls, finding places to go is challenging. Unmarried couples are not allowed to be together in public; if caught, they can be fined or thrown in jail. For a woman, it can mean a humiliating call to her father and a stain on her reputation. Fear of being busted can turn an otherwise pleasant outing into a stressful evening. A mention of the mutaween, or religious police, invokes shudders. "Oh, don't say their name," one woman tells me, looking around nervously. "It will make them come." Just a few weeks before, she and her boyfriend cowered behind a partition for what seemed like hours as the mutaween swept through a restaurant popular with young couples.



Yousuf, a suave bioengineering student with several years of successful pickups, recommends taking dates out to breakfast, when the "bearded ones," as he calls them, are less likely to be prowling around. Another trick, he says, is to go to a mall or hotel owned by one of the prominent princes who have a tacit agreement with the mutaween that they don't go to his properties. Yousuf's favorite place is the top of Riyadh's ritzy Kingdom Tower, where a sky bridge provides a breathtaking view of the city — along with an added perk. "If you are lucky, she pretends to feel dizzy and leans against you," he says, grinning. Sometimes the challenge of dating is part of the fun. Manal, who just married her boyfriend of two years, says a part of her misses the drama. "Our dates are so much more boring now that we are married," she says with a laugh.



Not all dates lead to marriage, of course. "You are always hoping you will find the right one," admits Yousuf, "but mostly, you just want to have fun." Besides, he says, when the time comes, his parents will pick a suitable wife for him. "Families should protect their daughters. If they flirt with boys, they probably aren't the kind of girls you want to marry."



Your Reputation Counts



Today's Saudi Arabia is a world Jane Austen would recognize. Marriages are as much about finding mates as they are about forging family alliances. A young bride is expected to have a spotless reputation; loitering too long with a boy in public can scar her chances at making a good match. It used to be that a girl's virginity was the most important thing, but today, when virginity can be cosmetically resurrected with a quick trip to Beirut or Europe, reputation is paramount. Prospective parents-in-law can demand to scrutinize a girl's mobile-phone records to ensure she hasn't had a prior relationship. For that reason, some more-affluent Saudis, with their parents' permission, choose to date outside the country. They flock to Beirut, Paris or London, where they can meet other eligible Saudis without fear of repercussions back home.



Sex, though rare, does happen. So taboo is sex outside marriage that few singles have access to contraception. If a girl gets pregnant, her family will often force a marriage. Another drawback to clandestine dating, says one Saudi psychologist, is that young women are not taught that they have the right to say no. "So she falls into rape very easily. And then she falls into the spiral of 'I lost my virginity. What am I going to do, and who will marry me?' The psychological turmoil is horrendous."



The strict segregation of genders often leads to same-sex experimentation, according to one university student. Like porn, it is for some a religiously acceptable alternative to the greater sin of fornication, particularly if it happens between young women. "The most precious thing is a girl's virginity," says al-Oweardi. "If she has relationships with her female friends, that is O.K. — it is only temporary."



For their part, many young Saudi men postpone marriage until they have a decent job. With an 11% official unemployment rate, however, that's becoming more difficult. In any event, says Ahmad al-Shugairi, a Saudi televangelist who focuses on youth issues, such thinking is out of sync with biology and a culture that emphasizes chastity. The No. 1 preoccupation with young men everywhere is sex, he says. But unlike in the U.S., where it's socially O.K. to date, Saudi "society and religion [are] saying you cannot release that desire unless you are married, which these days can be as late as 30. So what are we expecting to happen from the age of 14 to 30? It's a bomb waiting to explode, and all that the clerics can tell them is that they need to fast." He proposes that the age of marriage be lowered to better mesh with biology.



Dating, even if it goes no further than a peck on the cheek at the end of the day, serves as a pressure valve, says Salman, my would-be beau in the Chrysler. When he's waiting for his phone to ring after a night out numbering, he's not thinking about sex so much as that dopamine hit that presages potential love. If there were other, more natural ways of meeting girls, he and his friends would be less likely to engage in such aggressive behavior. He wistfully talks about Jidda, where folks go to loosen their headscarves a little. "In Jidda, you can meet girls at the café or at the beach," he says. "It's so much more normal."



Of course, by Saudi standards, Jidda is anything but normal. There, at the numerous private beach colonies lining the coast, young men and women from Saudi Arabia's "velvet class" — the upwardly mobile intelligentsia — play beach volleyball and share a hubble-bubble as the sun goes down. But as one of the young volleyball players points out, just because men and women have a little more freedom to meet in Jidda, it doesn't mean love is any closer to hand. "At my age, I am starting to worry about getting married," says 28-year-old Roua, who runs her own promotions company. "But I have to marry someone I love, and that's not easy to find." That's true in Saudi Arabia, and everywhere else.

哭

某天放假，經過幼稚園，正值放學時間，走出來的小孩幾乎全都是扁嘴、紅鼻子、眼泛淚光，看著不禁覺得好笑。



聽父母說，我第一天上幼稚園是不哭的。之後當然也沒有。



弟弟倒是哭得厲害，一直說要找姐姐。老師把他帶到我面前，他一見我便止住了哭，死抱著我不放。



現在他還是叫我姐姐，很多事仍會問我意見。啊，差點忘了覆他電話，不知今次又問什麼。

他說.........

回憶究竟有多遠?













它只會越來越遠.

The Walking Dead

This is probably the first US TV series we watched together and finished. He likes it. And I like it more. He watched “Lost” with me once. After few episodes, he quit. He said he can’t stand the flashback part.



Quite like “The Shawshank Redemption”, the story is also about how people find their way out from a hopeless state. But the setting changes from prison to city of zombies, which is more exciting to watch from an audience’s point of view.



When I looked at Rick, the main character, I felt I must have seen him somewhere. He was Mark in Love Actually.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good Question

Rerun Van Pelt: Charlie Brown, I have a question for you. Why am I so totally fascinated by this girl at school who drives me crazy?



Charlie Brown: I have a better question........How should I know?

「暗」瘡

原來生了粒暗瘡，怪不得這麼痛。還以為又是什麼靈異事件..........



虛不受補時，Chanel 都無用。

放假?

星期六我長週。回公司吃早餐、看新聞差不多一個半小時才正式工作。好的開始果然是成功的一半，一心散，工作效率就差。不過吊頸都要抖下氣啦，長命工夫長命做。



中午約了Iris。最近大家的生活乏善足陳。終於歸於平淡。我們的話題除了時事、股票、別人的事非之外.......也沒什麼好說了。



四點鐘趕回家，又要開始每週的厭惡性工作-----就是幫他燙夠5天用的恤衫西褲。最少也要兩小時。燙完極速洗澡。因為約了7點做天灸。晚飯吃西餐。不知為什麼，他最近似乎較喜歡西餐。回家看Insidious。原以為是懸疑片，但原來是很恐怖的恐怖片。



星期日鬧鐘一響，腰酸背痛，我決定放棄跑步。上一次休息不夠去跑，結果病了。睡多一小時起床，去教會圖書館當值。發現左邊小腿多了一撻瘀痕。我不記得自己有撞過什麼。難道是肥仔做的好事?



中午約了兩個中學同學飲茶。中途和另外一位通電話。原來她現在有了孖仔！她說現在生小孩很麻煩，因為要和大陸女人爭，看醫生輪候時間長，又訂不到私家醫院。單是聽我都覺得煩。



下午和朋友、朋友的小孩看Cars，看到睡著。晚上他們帶我們試新式素食。那些餸菜和真的無論外表、味道有八成似。下次一定會再去。



回到家裡10點，慣性地立刻洗澡。之後還要換床單、執袋............明晚有朋友的生日飯局。星期二、四上學，星期三、五多數要OT。



臨睡前我想，這兩天看似充實，但這並不是我想要過的假期。哪有人希望放完假後會比上班累?

倒數

還有三年。

那時，我37歲，不知會變成什麼樣子。

2011香港奶茶王

中學生膺香港奶茶王



今戰國內外高手　爭國際金茶王



蘋果日報

2011年08月13日



【本報訊】香港奶茶王昨日誕生，兼職學師冲奶茶的學生哥，獲首屆亞軍師傅教路，擊敗一眾高手贏得港區奶茶王冠軍。今日挑戰國內外奶茶高手，爭奪國際金茶王大賽最高榮譽。三連冠「奶茶王」羅德說，王者奶茶每杯最少升價三元。



昨奪得奶茶王港區冠軍的陳錦匯今年升中六，他說兒時經常跟爸媽飲茶餐廳奶茶，雖然近年台式珍珠奶茶深受年輕人喜愛，但他始終愛地道口味，「飲台式奶茶旨在消暑解渴，都係最鍾意港式奶茶嘅味道。」



拜師學藝　一年苦練



三年前起，他課餘到 09年首屆奶茶王亞軍李兆成的餐廳當學徒，依照師傅傳授的配方，以六分茶、二分奶，茶滾後交替「拉茶」五次，把茶再翻滾七分鐘，冲出滋味奶茶。經過一年苦練實戰，他昨日贏得今屆港式奶茶王港區冠軍。



名師出高徒，李兆成說已退居幕後，今屆派出兩名徒弟均打入 12強，陳錦匯手藝長於「茶濃」舊式奶茶，另一名徒弟則善於「茶滑」的新一代奶茶。陳錦匯最終奪冠，證明傳統港式奶茶仍是勝人一籌。他說大賽高手雲集，陳錦匯今日必須做足一百分，才有機會擊敗對手。



上屆贏得三連冠的港式奶茶大王羅德昨現身賽場，他自信其港式奶茶還是「 No.1」，今屆不參賽衞冕是「江湖規矩」，笑言樂於私下與高手比試交流。他坦言贏得「奶茶王」聲價十倍，調製的奶茶每杯最少升值三元。

港姐

本來說好了星期日晚看關雲長。後來他又轉軚說想看港姐，便陪他看了一陣。



對香港小姐選舉其實早已沒有什麼期望。真正美貌與智慧並重的，無論在哪個領域早已出人頭地，根本不需藉選美肯定自己。 漂亮但頭腦略差或不夠大方得體的，若非入不了圍便是早已做了0靚模。 剩下的略有幾分姿色，表現中規中矩，又有什麼好看。



問答環節裡有一條題目問佳麗最怕孤獨、貧窮 或年老。



每個人都會老，沒什麼好怕。 我也不怕孤獨，因為家人和朋友都在身邊，應酬他們，有時煩都煩死。就算他們不在，我還有書、音樂..........和TVB呢。



那麼我應該最怕窮。除了因為本人有點潔癖之外，也因為窮人選擇最少 ，地位最低。最慘是窮人也會老和孤獨。



套用亦舒的話，雖然金錢只能買到床而買不到睡眠，不過躺在席夢思床上失眠總比躺在街上失眠好。

Fringe Season 3

Just finished Fringe season 3. The ending was........very unrealistic.......very unimaginable.......and lost, of cos.



So.........both worlds should coexist? And what they have to do is to work together & fix the world by themselves? But fix what? How?



Walter said, “It’s a paradox. I can’t change what happens, because it’s already happened. But you can make a different choice within what happened.”



If I can go back, will I make a different choice?

傳道書三章一至八節

凡事都有定期，天下萬務都有定時。



生有時，死有時；栽種有時，拔出所栽種的也有時；



殺戮有時，醫治有時；拆毀有時，建造有時；



哭有時，笑有時；哀慟有時，跳舞有時；



拋擲石頭有時，堆聚石頭有時；懷抱有時，不懷抱有時；



尋找有時，失落有時；保守有時，捨棄有時；



撕裂有時，縫補有時；靜默有時，言語有時；



喜愛有時，恨惡有時；爭戰有時，和好有時。

(由6:04開始看)

When Harry Met Sally

My dinner movie tonite. I enjoyed it so much.

Must sleep now. Need to wake up at 6:30am tomorrow to go swimming with my mom.



Good night........

Tea Time

自從試過Godiva和Royce，好像再也無法喜歡吃吉百利朱古力。



至於積及橙餅，到現在偶而還是會吃。



喔！差點忘了麥提沙和Andes薄荷朱古力.................

康熙大帝

最近開始看二月河的《康熙大帝》。很好看。愛看小說的人都應該會喜歡吧。上一次看金庸，也有這樣的感覺。



好笑的是，每看到康熙的部分，總想起劉德華。鰲拜一出場，便想起徐錦江..........



記得以前中史堂，老師問誰知道楊貴妃的名字。有人答馮寶寶。



電視劇的威力真不容小覬。

你的人生快樂嗎？

(綜合報道)(星島日報報道)

2011年8月2日



「你的人生快樂嗎？」一項調查顯示，以十分為滿分，香港的整體快樂指數達七分以上，屬快樂一群；而灣仔區更成了全港最快樂的社區，估計除了收入外，社區鄰里關係是令區內居民快樂的原因。調查又同時發現，女性較男性快樂，但教育程度與快樂不成正比關係。負責調查的學者表示，整體港人的生活是快樂，認為區議會多提供軟件支援能有助營造快樂社區。



　　嶺南大學公共政策研究中心受保險公司委託，於今年六月進行了一項香港快樂指數的網上問卷調查，成功訪問了八千五百二十三名本港居民，當中三十歲以下佔五成，而三十歲至四十九歲佔四成二，其餘為五十歲以上。結果顯示，以十分為滿分，本港今年的快樂指數是七點一一分，較去年上升了零點一分。灣仔區成了全港最快樂的社區，快樂指數達八點五五分，較全港平均的分數高。其次是大埔區與油尖旺區，快樂指數分別有七點六九分及七點二一分。



　　整體港人快樂勝去年



　　調查結果又顯示，女性比男性快樂，但隨着年齡增長，分數的差距會拉近。以年齡去計算，三十歲以下的男性的快樂指數是六點七四分，女性有七點零六分，而五十歲或以上的男性則較女性快樂。



　　經濟狀況與快樂有密切的關係，調查發現，居者有其屋業主的快樂指數乃所有居住類別之冠，達七點五三分，高於私人住宅業主的七點一五分，而公屋租客的快樂指數最低，只有六點七九分。至於以收入計算，家庭入息收入少於一萬元的人士，快樂指數平均有七點一五分，較收入介乎二萬元至三萬元的人士，高出零點一二分。



　　負責調查的嶺大公共政策研究中心主任何濼生表示，五分是中位數，認為今年港人取得七分已相當不錯，又估計灣仔區居民快樂的原因除了收入外，社區鄰里關係亦是因素之一。他指出，居屋能有安居樂業的生活環境，市民不用擔心加租的壓力，對快樂有一定幫助，呼籲政府考慮復建居屋。他又認為，個別社區的分數高低不代表該區有問題，但建議區議會和民政事務局多提供非基建上的軟件支援，相信對建構快樂社區有正面的作用。



　　專家籲區會增軟件支援



　　至於教育水平方面，只有小學程度的人士，其快樂指數是八點五九分，但相對大專及大學程度的人士，他們的快樂指數分別只有六點八八分及七點一一分。何濼生指快樂指數沒有隨着教育程度上升而提高，反映學歷愈高的人士面對更大的生活壓力，他指政府在教育方面做得不足，應協助畢業生建立面對逆境與壓力的心態，在競爭性的社會中學習自處。



　　學歷愈高壓力愈大



　　除了快樂指數外，調查又向同時受訪者發問多條有關LIFE分數的問題。LIFE分數由Love（關愛）、Insight（智慧）、Fortitude（堅毅）和Engagement（行動）四個指標組成。結果顯示，快樂指數最高的灣仔區，居民在智慧指標方面比較優勝，而大埔區在關愛、堅毅與行動的得分最高。



　　另外，男性在智慧、堅毅及行動指標均比女性強，女性只有在關愛的平均得分較高。

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